IVF Heartbreak, Take Six

As you may have guessed, we received disappointing IVF news this week. Our sixth attempt (sixth?!) has also failed. I feel like a broken record. I took the news in stride at first, going about my day, holding it together, only to late-afternoon collapse onto our bed in loud, ugly sobs (our new Danish neighbors must have thought someone died). Infertility is rough. We now have only one frozen embryo left and even though IVF costs are much lower in Denmark than America, we’ve spent a pretty penny at this point. Most difficult of all has been enduring the seemingly endless stream of heartbreak (my birthday miscarriage being the low point…life can be just plain cruel). I don’t feel like myself anymore, between the shots, the bruised stomach, and the hormones every eight hours for months on end. I’ve gained 20 pounds over the past year (I used to joke “five pounds for every failed round!” but in all seriousness, someone hide the pastries). It’s hard to remember the last time I physically felt well. Perhaps most frusturating of all, our doctor keeps reassuring us there’s “nothing wrong” with me and especially given that I’m only 31, IVF should work for us. There’s every indication that my being pregnant is “just around the corner.” We’ll transfer our last embryo in three weeks and honestly, I just can’t wait to be done. If by some miracle it works, brilliant, but if it doesn’t, I’ll just be thrilled to (for now at least) close the door on this trying chapter of our lives. The one thing getting me through this week? This funny, heartwarming book. I stumbled upon it on Amazon and downloaded it to Simon’s kindle. Boy, am I glad I did. It made me laugh and made me cry. It’s given me so much hope that despite all this heartache we will someday be parents. That we will adopt a beautiful child in need of home and love them to the moon and back. Thank you again (really, truly) for your kind words of support over the past year. I’m keeping the faith. xo Katie

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50 comments on “IVF Heartbreak, Take Six

  1. Diana

    I honestly don’t even know what to say Katie, I know saying I’m sorry for the 6th time is just kind of silly but I truly am sorry that you are going through so much heart break. Just know though that no matter how it happens you are going to be the most beautiful and amazing mother to a child some day. You’ll have the chicest little girl or most dapper little boy and they will live the most wonderful life because of you. Praying for good things to come your way <3

  2. julie

    I am truly sorry, Katie. Infertility treatments are very difficult. I have been there. Sending hope and all positive baby love to you. One positive is that you have age on your side. xoxo

  3. Megan

    Oh, Katie. As someone also dealing (dealing seems to be the wrong word, as I’m not doing that well) with infertility, my heart goes out to you. Someone recently said the most beautiful thing to me, “If you find you can’t hold hope for this on a given day because it’s just too hard, know that I will hold it for you until you’re ready for it again.” Know that we are here for you, holding your hope.

  4. NS

    Sending love your way.
    — Just another woman dealing with infertility (am at 5 IVF cycles, 2 IUIs, all failed)

  5. April

    I just want to give you the biggest hug. Life is so insanely unpredictable. It really is. I have struggled with infertility too and I think it’s as hard as divorce or death. Not having something happen in your life when all you want is for that thing to happen is JUST AS monumental as something happening in your life. I don’t know if that makes sense at all. But I want this for you so much. I think all your readers do! Right now I’m wishing you some peace. It’s a hard pill to swallow when treatment doesn’t go the way you’re hoping it will. That’s why I wish you peace right now. Thinking of you.

  6. Ellie McNevin

    So grateful to you for always being honest with your readers and most importantly yourself. This is hard, serious stuff and you are handling it like a champ. Super proud of you and I know that a child is in your future one way or another! Buying the book now. xx

  7. Jill

    I am also holding onto hope for you and saying a prayer that you can find some peace. Your children are out there, waiting for you, whether they grow in your belly or in your heart. Hugs and tears from Texas.

  8. Kelly P

    I’m so sorry to hear of your latest disappointment. I have been through all of this (except without the IVF as I’m not a candidate. Plenty of IUIs though). It took me a long time to come to terms with not having biological children and to get to the place of acceptance. IVF grief is so hard and a lot of couples suffer through it silently. My husband and I are currently in classes to become foster parents though, so I feel hopeful about that. I wish you and Simon all the luck in the world in your pursuit of parenthood, however it comes to you.

  9. Megan

    Much love to you from a long-time reader of your blog, we don’t know one another but I send you a big hug anyway. I’ve had a miscarriage and I know how hard it is.

  10. Tara

    Oh, Katie–another long-time reader who doesn’t know you in real life here, sending you extra love today. Keep the faith and know we’re thinking of you. Some snuggles with Alfred are definitely in order, too! xoxoxo

  11. Stacy

    Whatever happens please know that you were made for it. Whether it’s to birth your baby or to be the mom to a little one who is waiting for you. You will be the best at whatever comes. xx

  12. Gretchen

    I’ve been following your journey closely because I myself am also going through IVF. I can relate to so much of what you’re thinking and feeling. I, however, am 41 (and my husband just turned 56). We’ve been through 3 rounds of unsuccessful IVF, and we currently have two embryos that have been deemed “mosaic” (through PGS), which means they might not be any good. We are trying to decide now whether to spend $13,000 on one more round, or to try with one of the mosaics. It’s tough. I’m sending you love, strength, and luck. We know you need all you can get.

  13. Laurie

    Oh, Katie, my heart aches for you and your husband. I am sending you prayers and love on this challenging journey. Your optimism is admirable. Knowing in your heart that you will be a parent (in one way or another) is what will get you through. A child deserves to benefit from the love you clearly have to offer. Warmest regards, Laurie

  14. Ashley Levi

    Hang in there. I did after four years, two surgeries and appts. Made for IVF at Vanderbilt medical. I delivered my surprise child at age 36 and they kept coming every 20 mos. after! 3 in a row! I believe you’ll have more than you know in no time! Prayers and good thoughts coming to you from Nashville!

  15. Veronica

    I cannot imagine what you are going through, and i’m sorry you have to go through all that pain (physically, mentally, emotionally). Love and hugs and prayers for you dear Katie.

  16. Heidi Sammons

    I am so sorry to hear about this latest heart wrenching anguish. For whatever reason YOUR child is not yet ready to enter this world. Perhaps he’s an extra sensitive baby & is waiting for our world to calm down. Whatever the reason is, just know he is going to arrive and you will be the most amazing mother.

  17. Susan Ferguson

    I send good thoughts and prayers to you…and I never had children or wanted to but your story just wrings my heart. What a terrible journey this has been for you and your husband. You are handling this so well and your writing must be a huge help to you. I wish only the very best for you and your husband.

  18. chris

    I will tell you the story of my BFF. She and her husband could not get pregnant. Same type of scenario. In her 30’s and no reason why. To add to the torture, she was an RN on a labor and delivery unit, everyday helping women become moms while unsuccessfully spending all the savings she and her husband had managed to put aside for a home. They then moved on to adoption and were contacted by a doctor she worked with that a woman wanted to terminate a 3 month pregnancy and when she was told no by the doctor, my friends contracted with her to adopt her baby.They took on the financial responsibilities of the woman for the length of her pregnancy only to find out 1/2 way through that the baby had a heart defect. People urged her to walk away but she would not abandon “my baby girl” and at 2 weeks of age, baby Sofia had her heart taken out, flipped over and put back in correctly and is now a happy 13 year old girl. When Sofia was a year old, my friend came down with what she thought was the flu…but no, she was pregnant, which resulted in now 10 year old Henry. I tell you this story just so you know, the universe has it’s plan for you. There is nothing you can do about it except take a deep breath, just know it and keep on living.

  19. Beth

    Katie,
    I am so very sorry for the sadness and pain you are having to endure. I don’t usually comment on blogs but you have really touched me. I will be praying for you. On Instagram last night, @standforlifemovement,
    posted about there being an urgent need for families to adopt from South Korea and there is a link in the profile. I am not sure you are ready for that now but I did want to pass it on.
    Sending prayers.

  20. Jennie H.

    I’m so sad and sorry for you and your husband. You are so brave and strong to share your thoughts and feelings with your blog readers. I truly hope that this last attempt in a few weeks will be “the one.” Sending lots of hope and good vibes your way.

  21. Jamie

    Oh Katie, you are so strong and resilient. Thank you for sharing your story so honestly – it’s incredibly powerful. Sending you lots and lots of good wishes. xoxo

  22. Beatriz

    I am very sorry, dear Katie. You are being so strong! Thank you for your honesty, and know that we -your readers- are holding hope for you, as Megan so beautifully wrote.

  23. kim

    i wish you continued bravery and courage.
    that said, you have them in spades.
    i also wish your fellow IVF warriors the same.

  24. Natalie

    No matter if you have your baby or adopt, just think he or she is out there waiting too. You’ll get to each other somehow. Don’t give up hope. Your baby wants you just as much as you want him. Xoxo

  25. Phyllis

    You really are amazing. This has been truly heartbreaking, yet you still have a great attitude and hope. It sounds like such an ordeal and I totally get your just wanting it to be over for now. Some things are so heavy you just have to put them down for awhile. I’ve heard good things about the book you are reading. If I remember correctly, Nia’s adoption story about her beautiful daughter was in People magazine in the last year or so. I’m keeping you and Simon in my thoughts and prayers. I’m praying that your baby story has a happy ending {actually, make that a happy beginning!}, whatever that looks like. xo

  26. Jordana @WhiteCabana

    Oh, Katie, I’m so sorry you’ve had to experience so much pain. Thanks for sharing your emotions and heartbreak with your readers. We are here to listen and to hopefully keep you cheery, too.

  27. LeeAnne Rogers

    Oh, Katie, my heart is broken for you. Many prayers your way. I’m hopeful there is a happy, healthy, sweet, chubby babe in your near future. And you are gorgeous, 20 lbs or not. Many hugs from your reader “friends.”

  28. Jac

    My sister went though the same awful rollercoaster. Fast forward 17 years. Two adopted girls later, and she and I spend way too much time problem solving our collective four girls. Keeping boys at bay, keeping the girls out of the principal’s office and into college….it will be a ride. Hang on, you’ll get there one way or another.

  29. Kristina

    Katie so deeply sorry that this is happening to,you. Please please listen to the medical medium soundtracks on the sound cloud app. He has ones on fertility and,pregnancy etc. He also,has a segment about it in his first book. Check him out,please.

  30. Julie P.

    I have been following your IVF journey on here for a while now. Thank you for having the courage to share your story, I know it is a very private experience.
    Sending prayers your way for clarity and a happy ending to your journey.

  31. Madeline

    Hi,
    After spending many hours on blogs such as yours over the last years I have never left a comment. I feel so compelled to do so now. Your story is my story. I started IVF at 27 and finished at 29…after 4 rounds and no baby. There was nothing “wrong”. We were young and healthy and our doctor kept reassuring us that it would happen. It did not and I thank God everyday it did not. I have two healthy and happy children we adopted at birth, now 8 and 3. Our life feels so complete and just how it should be. So hard to see it now but it will all make sense someday. In the meantime. many thinks for such beautiful posts! I will keep y’all in my prayers.

  32. Kate

    Read Instant Mom while waiting to adopt my daughter from Thailand.

    I know it’s difficult to hear now but all the pain goes away when you finally get to hold your child in your arms- no matter how they come to you. Struggling with infertility was the most heartbreaking time in my life but now I thank God for it. Without it, I would never have met my daughter.

    Wishing you the best in your journey.

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